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ive decided im the worst tumbler-er ever.
i dont even really like blogging.
i dont like writing, and unlessits formal, im terrible at it.
i have too many thoughts to organize and rationalize
writing isnt for me
i want to dance and exhaust myself,
rhythms say more than words can
words are weird and limiting
i want to paint and lose myself
my creativity isnt through words, its colors, and feelings, and things, and mental images,
words only capture a glimpse of whatever one is trying to get across
our ideas are too complex
our ideas are ours
no one can begin to understand them
so yah know
Medicine - Daughter
my writing is so scatterbrained and flawed, i wonder if anyone reads it or gets anything from it
but then again that is none of my concern
there has been one thing that i have been struggling with all year, and i finally understand it.
having my plans crash and burn in the middle of the summer was a huge bummer.
in result, being home for college was an even bigger bummer.
i had to overcome all the people who think less of me because of it.
being home for school means that i couldnt get into a better school, or that i didnt try, or that im pregnant, or that im screwed up with drugs, or that i have no ambitions.
NONE of that is true, yet it is what everyone in this town believes.
i do not have one friend who went to a junior college, let alone the one at home.
i have hardly made a solid friend while being here
for the first month the one thing that i was holding onto was pulled out from under me
i was single, alone, scared, and discouraged
after this journey, even though im still not where i want to be, im happier than EVER
WHAT IM WRESTLING WITH:
im 19. what is a happy 19 year old doing?
theyre probably at a university where the next 4+ years are guaranteed and pretty much planned out. they go to class, go to parties, having fun with all the other 19 year olds.
what am i doing?
i go to a school that i dont like. where i can be in a classroom of 30, and not have ONE person that is my age. If they are they usually are hungover, or have a baby with them, or are asleep in class. none of which i see myself benefiting from, none of which want to be my friend either. Dont think im being bitchy or anything, im friendly. But the brutal truth is, these are not the kind of people i can create a core group of friends out of. its just not going to happen.
i work about 20 hours a week.
i am doing what the other kids my age are doing, probably even more because i dont have a thriving social life.
but i still feel like a failure.
because being here, i feel there is more expected of me. i have teh WHOLE WORLLD in front of me. verses the kids who went to a university and know exactly what is expected of them ffor the next 4 yaers. its just like a second high school for them, you doint think too far into the future. you are content with that day
i dont get that luxury
i am still running down my path, im not satisfied,. i dont know what tomorrow holds. i dont know if ill be able to keep putting myself through school
i dont know if ill ever get where i want to be on my own
and through all this, I, MYSELF have created something to stand on
i have myself
and im strong
and i know what God is doing with me (most days)
im happy that i wasnt blinded by an easy life at a university this year.
i have many hurdles and ive jumped every one of them
have you been running your race?
Its prom weekend for all the people around me. Including my boyfriend.
Most people think that prom is mandatory, that its the best night of highschool, something you cannot miss.
But we missed it.
and i dont miss the chance we had to go.
we planned a weekend floating the river instead.
which is a much better idea in all sorts.
we went to my prom last year. he diddnt feel the need to go again. our prom memories last year are still making us smile, so we made new ones!
while i could of been uncomfortable in a long dress and heels, trying to find a way to dance in a sweaty mosh of people and still have fun… me and my love were fingerpainting. and watching the supermoon. and laughing at the tv. we had a wrestling fight. we even had a real fight before i left, the first fight in months. wanna know why? because it was 1am and i tickled his butt. He hates that.
thats not the only reason, but it sure was one.
it ended in us saying it was retarded, being mad and me driving away just to end the discussion.
As i put my car in reverse away from his street.
the strees that i pull into everyday, the street that we spent hours of goodbye and hello kisses. the sidewalk we longboard in. the grass weve fallen into. the door i snuck into early mornings. i was driving away from it. annoyed, tired, frustrated.
i burst into tears
and the next thing i know im tightly held in long lanky arms, crying into a warm pile of skin and bones. a pile of skin and bones that i love so much.
i was crying because this is the last summer we have home.
this is the last summer that he is exactly a 6.5 minute drive away.
the last summer that his mom will invite me over for monday family dinner.
the last summer that i get to watch all his little sisters recitals.
the last summer that i get to see him every day at work, for a quick hug and kiss and maybe a sandwich.
after this, who knows when our paths will mesh again.
so when he got annoyed for being butt tickled, i felt i was already losing him
but it ended full of those kisses where when you stop, everything is blue. and you eyes cant even open all the way because your smiling so much and its like you dont even need to open them because everything that is going on inside of you is enough, the sense of your eyes isnt needed for a moment, just what your feeling is.
my weekend wasnt like yours, it never is. his weekend wasnt like theirs. im so tankful we can take advantage of the chances we have to get lost in eachothers smiles
i feel like its all i write about, its the only thing that floods my mind with passion these days.
When a couple goes through a divorce, all the things they owned together become things to be claimed.
“She will be keeping the extensive CD collection.”
“He will be taking the flat screen television.”
Some things are fought over, some things are simply unwanted by either party and sometimes…
